Heather found these pictures of you a few months ago. She said they just appeared in a folder on her desktop and she didn't know where they came from. This was the year PJ was born and I was taking these pictures and don't even remember this very well. I love the look on your face. I look at the date sometimes and think back to the years when you were with us and it just keeps getting farther and farther away from me. No matter how you reach for it, it's still being sent into the past at lightning speed. There was so much happiness then. So much we took for granted too. I just thought I'd have you all for the rest of my life. That's what we all think isn't it? Until it's not what happens. We had made all these plans for the birth of Kayan and how our little family would change with him in it. It's been five months since I wrote a post. This has been one of the most difficult years of my life. It's odd that the year you died wasn't the worst year I've lived. This one is. Three years later and I'm feeling the tsunami slam into me harder than I ever did the year you died.
Not many people understand that. They think all the pain comes in the beginning but it doesn't. At first you don't feel it much, you're in too much shock. Life is different in ways you can't explain and you are on autopilot but as soon as that switch flips you're in control of that plane and have the power to either sink or swim. Have I been gliding all this time until now? Something happened in February of this year. Something significant. I felt a change in me that is hard to explain. Maybe that's why I haven't written a blog in so long. I tried to go see a therapist about the loss I was feeling and it was kind of a disaster. Unless you get the RIGHT therapist you just sit there feeling helpless. This girl was a GIRL and I didn't feel she had enough life experience to understand what I was going through much less help me through it. I know that might be unfair but she didn't offer me much in the way of coping mechanisms but what did help were the self help books I was listening to on Audible. That's when I realized that help comes in all forms. Audible books, movies with profound messages, pictures that move me and give me hope and just spending time with my grandsons. It's not a one stop solution it's a bunch of things.
The Power of Now teaches that time is a concept we use to measure our lives but it's not something that even exists in other dimensions. So I measure out my loss, my grief and my memories on this timeline that you don't even have anymore. It's not depression I feel it's the insanity of this quietness. Going from such a busy needful life to one of quiet solitude is deafening. It's not something I ever wanted to feel but here it is anyway. This life comes with these things. Like Mick Jagger says, "You can't always get what you want, you can try sometimes but you just might find you get what you need." What do I need? This is the thing I've been digging into my soul to discover. What do I NEED besides a daughter that is no longer with me on this earth?
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