Fall 2020

 

It it were possible you'd be here already.  This year has been a struggle in so many ways.  I thought maybe the first few years of this kind of loss would be the worst ones but I was wrong.  This is year three and it seems like the unraveling happened more this year than the first two.  Time is supposed to heal but I've found that time makes things fuzzy and out of focus but it doesn't heal really.  The further something gets into the past the harder it is to hold onto.  My memories of my daughter are still there in my mind vignetted in soft frames of color.  I dream of her.  I think of her every day and keep a Pinterest page for her.   It's full of the sea, turtles, funny quotes I know she'd love, shoes she would have worn, the life she would have lived if she'd had the chance to finish it.

After years of crying you settle into acceptance but never quite give in.  It's still something you were forced to do and that resonates with your spirit as unfair and unnatural.  Big deep sighs give way to busy days of details.  You wear that badge of pain beneath everything around you and only a few people know it's there.  A brand of sorts.  A tattoo that is invisible to everyone but a close few who are in your inner world.  It's not possible to show it to everyone because that kind of sadness is hurtful and the last thing I want to do is harm people with my loss.  I choose to love all the things I know about what she loves.  Why she loved them  so much and how all these things together make up who she was here on this earth.

I don't want to forget anything that was important to her.  These baby turtles who fight so hard to survive and get to the water after they hatch.  I think she loved them so much because of what they represent.  That struggle in life that begins so innocently and how hard it is to make it to safety sometimes.  There are all kinds of ways that life is dangerous and having the courage to forge forward in the face of so much against you is the ultimate path of success.  She did that.  Through all her problems she fought for success.  Her tumors weren't going to prevent her from having a wonderful life.  They didn't.  Ironic thing is they weren't the problem that ended her life.  

It was pre eclampsia that took her from us.  She loved getting her nails done and since she loved the ocean I know she would have done this!  It's so pretty.  she had such an amazing sense of style.  Anything she wore looked great on her and she could pull off just about anything.  Many people told her she should model but she was painfully shy and actually felt sick to her stomach when someone would try and take her picture.

She wasn't the kind of girl who could flaunt herself she was private but not quiet.  She was very opinionated but not in a bad way.  Taryn would share what she thought with the people who meant something to her she just wasn't someone who was going to stand up in front of people and punch a fist into the air.  LOL  She made small changes to the people she loved and I still feel the effects of that on a daily basis.  She loved the ocean.  Not just the look of it but protecting it.  

Taryn loved owls and coffee.  She was born with huge blue eyes.  We loved her eyes and how expressive they were when she was so little.  I think owls with their big wise beautiful eyes personify her perfectly.  They can be comical or serious.  She couldn't get started in the morning without coffee.  The good stuff not the instant stuff.  She became a Keurig girl.  It was probably the most important tool in her kitchen.  That and her blender. 

Taryn loved shoes.  She had size 11 narrow feet, very big like Cindy Crawford's feet.  It was hard to find her pretty shoes because they just didn't come in her size.  This was from the time time she was little too.  She was into womens shoes when she was a little girl and the sparkly ones didn't come in women's sizes.  We had to get creative and really dig for the pretty ones.  She had some of the most beautiful shoes I'd ever seen.  Whenever we found them in an 11 I would always get them for her.  Even her feet were pretty.  

Taryn was and will always be one of a kind.  I add to her Pinterest almost every day when I see things I know she would love.  It makes me smile and feel close to her still.  I don't know what life has in store for me or how long I'll live without her.  I've thought about that a lot this year.  Maybe everyone does when they get older.  Missing someone so important to your soul never stops feeling empty.  It makes you look up at that big beautiful sky full of fluffy clouds and wonder if they can see it too.  How much of your life is visible to the departed souls you love?  I have a great understanding of the plan for life and I know she's safe in heaven with God waiting for all of us to join her.  We can continue being a family at that point and I so look forward to it.  I miss her.  Every single minute of every day.  That will never end until I can be with her again.