Grief

I haven't written in here for over a month.  For some reason the anniversary of your death really threw me for a loop this year.  It's no longer one year, two years, it's now three.  A number that's on it's way to 10 or 15 years.  Still I wonder at this sensation of time.  How can grief be so fresh and almost living in me when it's been three years?  It's only a number.  Time really isn't measured is it?  It's like mashing your play-dough all together and getting an ugly color that you didn't know existed. Well that's the last two months for me.  Ugly mashed play-dough.  I do my best to handle how I feel most of the time but even I can't seem to keep it going when I'm flooded with enough of the sadness.  Thank goodness for good friends who listen to me and sometimes lie to me and say everything is going to be okay.  Even if you feel like it isn't true it's still comforting to hope that it will be.  I know that Spring is coming.  The cold and horrible weather isn't helping.  I'm not a winter person anymore.  I need the blue sky and the warmth more and more.  These dreary months of white sky that tell you snow is coming are just so empty and cold.

I'm grateful for what I have and that usually pulls me out of this terrible grief I feel but if it could have an actual feeling it would be that 10 degrees below zero dismal day of snow and just empty blankness.  That wasn't you.  You were yellow and bright and warm.  This time of year is the exact opposite of you.  You are sunshine and sand and bright beautiful green trees and grass.  Waterfalls and everything alive.  The world feels dead to me at this time of year and that's probably why it's been so hard lately.  I can't feel you in this dismal climate.  Oh I turn up the heat in the house, turn on the fireplace and pack on the fuzzy socks but I can only try and fool myself into warmth for so long before I realize I'm trying to forget what's outside and maybe inside of me too.

I need Spring.  I'm so done with winter.