Two Roads

Written Saturday July 29, 2017

It's been six months today since Taryn died. Wow. That's a sentence I never wanted to write in my lifetime. I feel lost. I know there's a reason for this and I try so hard to figure out what that might be. It seems so cruel to think that the reason for her existence and her departure is a lesson for us? That just reduces her significance to me. She's not some lesson for everyone to learn, she's this bright beautiful star that throws light across everything and sparkles in crystals all over my world.
Ever since I was little I've been fascinated with prisms. How the sunshine goes through them and fractures off into white beams of light that spread everywhere. It's like a magic trick and so fascinating to me. That's her. She's that light, and sometimes on dark rainy days like this I feel all folded up inside and I long for that light. I miss her so much I can hardly intake my short breaths to get enough air to even cry. I remember how we would fight. Oh she was so passionate about things and had to grab my attention and pour herself into those fights like she was arguing in front of a judge and jury. She was so good at it I would sometimes forget what we were even upset about and just watch her storm around indignant and it was magnificent. I admired her so much for being able to be THAT passionate about her views. She didn't give in and eventually we found some middle ground to stand on together. I can't argue like that and I end up thinking that making peace is the important thing but she stood her ground proud and alone sometimes. I loved her so much for that. God she was incredible.

So here I sit. Imaging a world where she still has that passion and that incredible spark of life inside her. I'm forced to "deal" with this and I resent it so much I want to scream. She was my daughter, my best friend, my barometer, the truth when I couldn't figure it out. So for now, lost is what I am. For how long I don't know. Filling up my days with details is all well and good but there is a soul inside of me that is in so much pain it's all I can do to keep it up where it belongs and not take that easy swan dive toward oblivion. It's tempting. Why does life hold so much pain? Why is our time here so fraught with anguish? I breathe in and out and put one foot in front of the other and that's what I do. I don't have another choice. I suppose I could give up and wallow in this and be depressed on Prozac or Xanax but I think she would yell at me. I know she would. She'd grab me by the shoulders and shake me hard and say GET OVER IT! Just the thought of that makes me laugh because it's to true. So laughter through tears, that was our favorite emotion. Is it awful to say I can't wait to reach the end of this whole thing? Just to spend time with her again? Makes me think of high school and Robert Frost.....

“Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, And sorry I could not travel both, And be one traveler, long I stood, And looked down one as far as I could, To where it bent in the undergrowth; Then took the other, as just as fair, And having perhaps the better claim, Because it was grassy and wanted wear; Though as for that the passing there had worn them really about the same, And both that morning equally lay, In leaves no step had trodden black. Oh, I kept the first for another day! Yet knowing how way leads on to way, I doubted if I should ever come back. I shall be telling this with a sigh, Somewhere ages and ages hence: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I— I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference.”
She took one road and I am on the other. Mr. Frost, I hope I can do you proud and make a difference.

Adele