Fearless

I don’t think being fearless means you’re not afraid. I think it means you can still be scared but you handle it differently because you know it ultimately contains something good. Fear is not the end of life as you know it. Taryn’s death has changed all the rules for me. I’ve always been a peacemaker. I was the one who wanted everyone to be happy and I have exhausted myself trying to make everything nice even when it wasn’t. I noticed the change shortly after she was gone and I was selling a puppy to someone and they carelessly dropped the puppy a few feet to the floor. Normally I would try and make them feel better saying it’s okay the puppy wasn’t hurt and tell them nicely to be careful in the future. Not this time. I barked “What were you thinking??!!” SO not me. But it WAS Taryn. That’s exactly what she would have said. She just put it out there and if you didn’t like it then OH WELL. When you’re brutally honest I don’t think it means you don’t care if you hurt someone’s feelings, I think it’s the opposite, you care so much that you’re willing to risk whether or not they like you to tell them the truth. They ended up buying the puppy and apologizing for being careless. I sat for a minute after they left, shocked at my reaction and how it was so different from how I would have reacted before.


The world I live in is so very different now. What made me think of this and write this note here, is that I told one of my customers today that if she wanted me to help her, she had to stop being angry and threatening. That’s not the Adele prior to January 29th. I was so proud of myself for telling her she couldn’t treat me like that. I’m still figuring out who I am and I think that’s normal, but it feels good to tell someone who is acting inappropriately that enough is enough. I feel fearless in a good way. I’ve experienced one of the worst things that will ever happen to me in my life, there’s little that can top this. I’m sure it’s out there but personally for me this is my Mt. Everest. I don’t have to imagine what it would be like to see the world from that perspective because I’m already there. There’s a feeling you get when you’re up on top of a mountain and you can see in every direction at once and you become almost drunk with the sensation of falling. Nothing scares you anymore. Honestly I think that’s where repelling comes from. The urge to “jump” is so powerful you better get roped in fast. People who climb always take the ropes because they know they’re going to want to jump as soon as that “high” hits them. It’s an amazing fearlessness. I didn’t know until after I lost Taryn that I could hit that high emotionally as well as physically. There are so many layers of lessons to learn from all we experience. I found out today I can “emotionally” repel after climbing this mountain of mine and I’m still me, only better.


Written in Facebook Notes August 22, 2017