Red Striped Zebra

One of her doctors called her a red striped zebra once.  She hated it.  Hated being different.  Her tumors made her stand out and every student in the hospital wanted to look at her.  The girl with the pheochromocytoma the size of a grapefruit in her chest.  She had another one the size of a lemon in her abdomen.  The surgeries to remove them were dangerous and painful.  She was never the same after that.  She didn't want to be addicted to pain killers so she just did the best she could not to take them.  Which made her testy and bitchy a lot of the time.  I knew where that was coming from so I didn't react to it like most people did.  I was so proud of her.  She had to go through something most people wouldn't be able to handle at all. 

The doctors said her tumors were the size of an old man's tumors.  They'd never seen them that size in someone so young.  Red striped Zebra.  I stayed with her each time she had a long  hospital stay.  The last surgery took 22 hours and three surgeons to complete.  They had to replace part of her spinal column with a metal cage.  That's what held her together.  We didn't think she would ever be able to carry a baby and I worried the whole time she was pregnant about her being able to deliver the baby safely.  She was special.  We used to watch that movie Steel Magnolias a lot.  Shelby was a diabetic who took an enormous risk having a baby which ultimately cost her her life when the kidney transplant failed. I used to watch that scene with Sally Field in the cemetery and I'd cry every time.  I can't bare to watch it now.  Now that I know that feeling and I know exactly why she was so angry. 

Taryn didn't like attention.  She didn't like me to take her picture.  She didn't realize I thought she was beautiful even without make up and even in the hospital.  She was my miracle.  My million dollar baby.  Quite literally actually.  I added up all the medical bills once and it was over a million dollars.

I took her to a clinic in Aberdeen Idaho for a blood cleanse after her last MRI showed her tumors were back in her spine.  She wouldn't go through anymore surgeries.  That was it for her.  It was as much as she could do and just the thought of going through it again made her want to give up completely so we went holistic.  They put her in a hyperbaric chamber and did blood cleanse treatments.  She got better.  She didn't need anymore surgeries.

We juiced.  Drank fresh homemade juice we made ourselves.  She ate a clean wholesome diet.  After going to Country Doctors Clinic she was okay and tumor free after that.  We had her blood tested every year to make sure.  That's what was so incredible about the way she died.  The tumors did not kill her.  Eclampsia did.  Well Eclampsia caused the seizure which caused her to aspirate while vomiting.  The people in the emergency room who didn't turn her over on her side were directly responsible for her Acute Pulmonary Distress Syndrome.  THAT is what took her life.  I'll never go to an emergency room thinking they can save my life or anyone I love.  

After all she went through and all she survived THAT is what took her from us.  It's almost more than I can comprehend.  She wasn't ready to give up.  I know her.  I know my Red Stripped Zebra and she would have fought hard to stay here with us and raise her little boy.   She didn't get that option.  You can win all the battles and still lose the war.  Through no fault of your own.  It's hard to imagine that this is how she would have wanted things to turn out.  I do know one thing.  She never would have left her son.  He died before she did and I believe she wanted to be with him more than she wanted to finish her life on earth.  That I do believe and understand.  

That, I can be proud of her for.   She was the best mother.  She stayed with her son.  I don't know if she was given a choice but there was no choice for her if it was a choice between a life without Kayan or going with him.  I know how she feels.  There are times when this road seems so long and life without her so pointless.  I think of that red stripped zebra and how beautiful it is, how rare.  One of a kind.