My Mirror

Facebook Post from Remembering Taryn Elkins and Kayan William Trujillo
July 3, 2018

I was standing in line at the store a few days ago and saw a young girl, about 20 years old, and her mother shopping, they were just talking about something and deciding if they wanted it and my breath just caught in my throat. That still happens and probably will for the rest of my life. I've stopped thinking it will ever get easier because it just doesn't. I have frustrating moments and long to hear her voice tell me to stop obsessing and that everything will be okay. I'm grateful that my mind can fill in the blanks but it's like living on tofu, it's never enough.

During a family dinner recently Christian called Kate "Taryn" by mistake and we all froze. She was supposed to be there and it was obvious to all of us how out of balance the universe is and always will be. One of the table legs is missing and it's not ever going to be solid or completely stable.

Kayan would have been 15 months old. If he had been born in March like he was supposed to be. I was looking at her iPhone this morning and it flashed a notice of what a 15 month old would need or be doing by now. I think of him each time Killian or Dean or Finn do something cute for the first time. What would that have been like to have Kayan blazing the trail for all the other little boys in my world? His big smile and his teeth coming in and his fussy cries when he was frustrated. I can almost imagine it all, Taryn dressing him in the cutest clothes and always wiping his face as he twisted around trying to get away from the washcloth.

I know other parents who've lost children do this. Dream of their lives as they were supposed to have them. See it as clearly as they see their own. These were my dreams and they still exist. This is the path and it's still there. Love is love, it's wonderful and makes your life more. I couldn't love Kayan and Taryn more if they were here with me, it's the same. Oh but I do miss those phone calls, the ones where she would listen to me be upset then tell me what I was doing wrong. I smile about that now but everyone needs someone in their life to tell them the truth about how they are acting.

God must have trusted me to know what to do if he took my inner mirror back to heaven before I was done here. I wish I had the confidence to know I'll be okay by myself without her because sometimes I'm so scared. I wonder if I can do this another day and then I do. I just do. I'm not angry or lost, I'm just frozen. Still.