Article written for The Feminist Breeder by Adele Gregersen
April 9th, 2011
Letter To My Daughter: You Survived Tumors. You Are My Hero.
Letter No. 12 in the “Letter to My Daughter” Guest Post Series – submission by Adele Gregersen from Brio Birth. These guest posts will run throughout the months of March & April. Look for a new one every few days!
Dear Taryn,
When you were born I held you in my arms and cried. You were the most beautiful little girl I had ever seen and you still are. I can’t adequately tell you how you changed me because it’s still happening. Every day you give me more of myself. I’ve watched you grow into a beautiful young woman. You held me together through my divorce from your father and the annulment of a rebound marriage. You helped raise your little brother when I went back to work to support us all. Your little girl shyness melted away when you became a teenager with so much attitude I feared I wouldn’t survive it. Life wasn’t easy for you but you smiled and laughed and didn’t always let me see how hard it all was for you.
Taryn you taught me how to have the kind of faith that can endure anything. When we found your adrenaline tumors you were only 17. I will never forget the phone call I got at work from your doctor saying how sorry he was because he believed you were going to die. I felt the floor rushing up at me and I could hardly breathe. No matter how much I pleaded with God to take it from you and give it all to me it wasn’t my cross to bear. It was yours. I had to watch. I had to see you endure the pain and do the best I could to hide my fear and act normal for you.
You were only 20 years old when you had your last surgery. You spent 22 hours in the operating room while teams of doctors removed the tumors in your chest and rebuilt your spine. It was pure joy to see you move all your fingers and toes. I watched you take your first steps after the surgery and cried the same tears I did as you took your first steps as a baby. Both events were miracles to me.
Your tumors taught me that I can’t control everything in my life. That there are times when I will feel helpless. I learned I had to let it go and trust that if you were going to be taken from me, somehow I would be able to endure it. I couldn’t stop what was happening to you, all I could do was live one day at a time, smile, take deep breaths, believe and have faith. The doctors called you a red striped zebra. No one had ever seen anyone your age with pheochromocytomas as large as yours. You hated it. You hated the attention and how student doctors marveled at you, studied your test results and treated you like a rock star. You never wanted that spot light.
You haven’t been able to live a normal life. Your pain prevents you from working a simple job, earning your own money or sitting in a classroom in college. You might never be able to carry a baby of your own because of the metal in your back that holds you together. I see it in your eyes how much you want those things and still you accept your life as it is and I learn from that too.
You are so beautiful. I love you more than words can express,Taryn. You were born on Mother’s Day 22 years ago. You are my hero, my teacher, my daughter and the love of my life. I don’t know where you end and I begin. I never want to know.
Mom
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