January is gone.  2020 came so fast and this month has evaporated faster than most I can remember in my life.  I'm glad for it though.  The speed of time is just a reminder that life is short and there's much to appreciate in this quick stay.  I try to make the most of it.  All of it.  Even the things that hurt.  We're supposed to sit in those moments and find a sunset, a blade of grass, feel the earth moving at 1700 mph and just marvel at the miracle our world really is.  We're supposed to realize that death is part of life.  Everything works in perfect harmony to keep us alive, not just living but ALIVE, so we can laugh, cry, suffer and love each other.  It's profound and overwhelming.

So days disappearing don't bother me much.  It's all part of the plan.  Those lazy summers when I was 11 years old, that used to last forever were so sweet and warm.  I would ride my bike in circles around the neighborhood and at night all of us kids would come outside after dinner and play hide and seek together around the block.  If you got caught it was "One, two, three on Adele!"  There was a safe spot and if you could get to it fast enough you were "safe".  It was usually a tree that was the safe spot and all you had to do was touch it.

I can't always get to that tree.  I hear those words from time to time, "One, two three on Adele!!"  I don't always feel safe.  Especially now that I realize how fragile the world I live in is.  That life is precious and can be taken away in a heartbeat.  Loss can shape shift your world completely.  Life can still be good after a major loss.  It can still be enough.  Sometimes when I feel vulnerable I put my arms around that tree.  That safe spot.  I've clung to it and held on for dear life sometimes but this month I felt myself loosening my grip on it.  Leaning back and gazing around my world.  There's a forest of trees, an ocean of fish and a sky full of sunshine.  The heat of the summer is still there.  It's not a lazy summer anymore it's more like a flash that warms my soul and I've got to be paying attention to feel it.

"Come with me where dreams are born and time is never planned."

Okay Peter Pan.  Lets go.

Three Years

Taryn,

It's been three years this week that you were taken from me.  Three years since I brought home a fruit smoothie and had you steal it from me after I got only two sips.  You haven't raided my jewelry box and looked at me like a little girl and said, "Can I have it?"  I haven't seen that fire in your eyes when someone has been done an injustice or had you give me a hard time over one of my choices.  I haven't seen the latest color of your hair or Hello Kitty nails on your long slender fingers.  It's been so long and yet I remember everything about you.  Every last detail of your face.

I hate this.  I hate remembering that awful day you left us.  I'm hoping with enough time that all the details will fade so far into the past that I won't remember the color of the cinder block walls in that waiting room at the hospital, the doctor's eyes as he looked at me when there was no hope and his voice when he gently touched my arm and said, "She's gone."  After that I struggle to take a deep breath.  There is no understanding.  How could there be?  It's so confusing for a parent to be without their child and still go on breathing.  Something is fundamentally out of balance with that and you know what I'm talking about because when Kayan died you gladly followed him just like I wish I could have followed you.  This life isn't done with me yet.  I know that.

You will always be this beautiful thing.  The score on my heart that is a tattoo of a mother.  I wear the same one you do.  Mine is for you and yours is for Kayan.

A Happy New Year

I didn't really write a synopsis of 2019. I'm still in denial that it's over already. How can a turtle sprint like a rabbit? I'd really like to know.

The biggest event was that we added a baby to our family in June, little Jaxx Charles. To me the most important thing is that Misty survived. I know most of you will understand why I feel that way. Children are more miraculous to me than they've ever been. I will probably feel that way for the rest of my life.

Killian and Dean are growing up fast. Both of them are so smart and learning to wrap grandma around their little fingers. LOL

I got to see more of how Garrison and Christian are loving, amazing fathers. So proud of my boys and their boys. Adrian got an incredible job in management this year and is doing so well here in Colorado.

I got to meet many new friends at my Mommas Voices conference in October and spent a week with my Georgia family too. That was such a blessing to me and gave me the fuel I needed to finish my year happy.

It's bittersweet because I'm glad 2019 is over but sad that it went so fast. If this is the way the rest of me happens it won't be long before I'm a spectator and not a participant in this world. Happy New Year is always a dream. I wish and hope for "happy" but I'll take whatever I'm given. After all we make our own happiness. In that case I'll take two.