Christmas thoughts

This is you and your brothers Christmas 2014.  The years are getting fuzzy to me so I really have to stop and think about when things happened lately.  Getting old.  You would have teased me about that one.  This was a happy year.  Christian had just gotten married and you and Garrison were friends again.  Annie was with us this year too.  That scarf on your head was from her.  She made it for you.  She made the one around Christian's neck too.

I put up the tree this year, bought the presents, wrapped them all and planned the dinner for Christmas Eve.  It's all done.  Lately I've been watching the sunset a lot out the front windows of my house. I watch the sun go down over the pretty mountains in Colorado Springs and it's bright just where the tips of the rocks are, almost an outline, then it is beautiful shades of darkening blue.  In some places it's orange or pink.   I know the earth is moving and it's made three complete trips around the sun since you left it.  Every day when the sun comes up it's like a shock to me still.  Another day.  Another day without you here. 

I try not to think about sad things but I drift back to that day you died a lot.  All the things that happened and how if one thing, just one, had changed everything would be different now.   If Adrian had gotten a job in Colorado instead of Texas, if Nikki and I had stayed in Texas and not come back to Colorado, if you had gone to see your doctor before leaving for the trip to Colorado, if you had been going to the doctor on a regular basis, if I had come to get you in Alamosa when you didn't feel good, if, if, if only.

It's horrible to do that.  To "if" too much.  I'm kind of past it all but maybe not.  Maybe we never get past it ALL.  We can get past a good amount of it but not all of it.  I talked to Adrian recently and he's got an amazing outlook on life.  He said that nothing else can happen to him that will be the "worst" thing that will ever happen to him because he's already gone through it when he lost you and Kayan.  I get that but it scares me to say it.  I can't bear to lose another child.  I know it's not up to me.  It's possible.  ANYTHING is possible.  That's just the thing isn't it?  We have control over nothing. 

Control of our world is an illusion.  We can actually control ourselves but when it comes to what happens around us we are blown around like a seed in the wind.  Hoping we land on fertile ground and can grow somewhere.  We can make the right choices in our lives but that's not a guarantee of protection.  Nope.  I know I'm being blessed, and I'm not ungrateful.  I just feel like a fireman.  Ready for that alarm when it sounds.  And it will.  That's the one thing you can count on isn't it?  That there will be trouble.  You can either get ready for it and handle it like a skilled professional or be completely shocked and paralyzed by it.  I've seen my share of paralyzation in others.  It's hard to watch.  That is a conscious choice as much as any other choice we make.

Loss.  From the time we are little kids and lose a beloved pet or get a sense of how fragile our world really is, it's one loss after another.  It comes in so many forms.  Not just the death of our dreams but people, goals, careers, relationships.  So much loss.  That's why it is so imperative to appreciate what we have right now.  Really make every effort to completely immerse yourself in the NOW.   Sometimes that is all there is.  

Christmas is here.  2019.  Another year is past.  Another holiday where I don't get to buy you presents or watch you open gifts.  What can I give you baby girl?  You'll always have my love and my life.  I give you my happiness.  I'll smile and watch the sunset and think of you in that beautiful sky.  I'm so grateful for eternity.  That you're mine forever.