So Far Away - Avenged Sevenfold

This song came on the radio while Taryn's brother Garrison was driving home not long after she died.  The volume kept going up on his radio.  He wasn't touching it.  He'd turn it down and it would go up again.  She wanted to tell him this is how she felt.  She knew she could reach him through his music.  She does that to me too.  A lot.

So Far Away

Avenged Sevenfold

Never feared for anything
Never chained but never free
A light that healed the broken heart
With all that it could

Lived a life so endlessly
Saw beyond what others see
I tried to heal your broken heart
With all that I could
Will you stay?
Will you stay away forever?

How do I live without the ones I love?
Time still turns the pages of the book it's burned
Place and time always on my mind
I have so much to say but you're so far away

Plans of what our futures hold
Foolish lies of growing old
It seems we're so invincible
The truth is so cold

A final song, a last request
A perfect chapter laid at rest
Now and then I try to find
A place in my mind
Where you can stay
You can stay awake forever

How do I live without the ones I love?
Time still turns the pages of the book it's burned
Place and time always on my mind
I have so much to say but you're so far away

Sleep tight I'm not afraid (not afraid)
The ones that we love are here with me
Lay away a place for me (place for me)
'Cause as soon as I'm done I'll be on my way
To live eternally

How do I live without the ones I love?
Time still turns the pages of the book it's burned
Place and time always on my mind
And the light you left remains but it's so hard to stay
When I have so much to say and you're so far away

I love you, you were ready, the pain is strong and urges rise
But I'll see you when He let's me
Your pain is gone, your hands untied

So far away
And I need you to know
So far away
And I need you to, need you to know

Source: LyricFind

video of this song:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A7ry4cx6HfY

Songwriters: Zachary Baker / Brian Haner / Matthew Sanders / Jonathan Seward

Christmas thoughts

This is you and your brothers Christmas 2014.  The years are getting fuzzy to me so I really have to stop and think about when things happened lately.  Getting old.  You would have teased me about that one.  This was a happy year.  Christian had just gotten married and you and Garrison were friends again.  Annie was with us this year too.  That scarf on your head was from her.  She made it for you.  She made the one around Christian's neck too.

I put up the tree this year, bought the presents, wrapped them all and planned the dinner for Christmas Eve.  It's all done.  Lately I've been watching the sunset a lot out the front windows of my house. I watch the sun go down over the pretty mountains in Colorado Springs and it's bright just where the tips of the rocks are, almost an outline, then it is beautiful shades of darkening blue.  In some places it's orange or pink.   I know the earth is moving and it's made three complete trips around the sun since you left it.  Every day when the sun comes up it's like a shock to me still.  Another day.  Another day without you here. 

I try not to think about sad things but I drift back to that day you died a lot.  All the things that happened and how if one thing, just one, had changed everything would be different now.   If Adrian had gotten a job in Colorado instead of Texas, if Nikki and I had stayed in Texas and not come back to Colorado, if you had gone to see your doctor before leaving for the trip to Colorado, if you had been going to the doctor on a regular basis, if I had come to get you in Alamosa when you didn't feel good, if, if, if only.

It's horrible to do that.  To "if" too much.  I'm kind of past it all but maybe not.  Maybe we never get past it ALL.  We can get past a good amount of it but not all of it.  I talked to Adrian recently and he's got an amazing outlook on life.  He said that nothing else can happen to him that will be the "worst" thing that will ever happen to him because he's already gone through it when he lost you and Kayan.  I get that but it scares me to say it.  I can't bear to lose another child.  I know it's not up to me.  It's possible.  ANYTHING is possible.  That's just the thing isn't it?  We have control over nothing. 

Control of our world is an illusion.  We can actually control ourselves but when it comes to what happens around us we are blown around like a seed in the wind.  Hoping we land on fertile ground and can grow somewhere.  We can make the right choices in our lives but that's not a guarantee of protection.  Nope.  I know I'm being blessed, and I'm not ungrateful.  I just feel like a fireman.  Ready for that alarm when it sounds.  And it will.  That's the one thing you can count on isn't it?  That there will be trouble.  You can either get ready for it and handle it like a skilled professional or be completely shocked and paralyzed by it.  I've seen my share of paralyzation in others.  It's hard to watch.  That is a conscious choice as much as any other choice we make.

Loss.  From the time we are little kids and lose a beloved pet or get a sense of how fragile our world really is, it's one loss after another.  It comes in so many forms.  Not just the death of our dreams but people, goals, careers, relationships.  So much loss.  That's why it is so imperative to appreciate what we have right now.  Really make every effort to completely immerse yourself in the NOW.   Sometimes that is all there is.  

Christmas is here.  2019.  Another year is past.  Another holiday where I don't get to buy you presents or watch you open gifts.  What can I give you baby girl?  You'll always have my love and my life.  I give you my happiness.  I'll smile and watch the sunset and think of you in that beautiful sky.  I'm so grateful for eternity.  That you're mine forever.  

Stories

We all have stories.  Things we're going through.  Sometimes the only thing that helps us go through something hard is to help someone else through their troubles.   We can use our experiences to maybe lift someone else or share in their sorrow.  It's the only thing that makes sense of a tragedy we suffer through.

When I think of my life story there have been more good things that have happened to me than bad.  I don't think there is a "scale" of bad but the loss of a child is right up there with anything horrible you'd ever go through in your life.  I find myself looking at women with their daughters and my eyes fill with tears.  I want to tell that mother to cherish every moment with her daughter.  Never take one argument for granted or feel like she can't wait until her daughter moves out and gets her own life going so it's easier to be together.  I had those thoughts too.  When it wasn't easy.  When Taryn would test me to my limits and beyond.  Those of you who knew her fiery little spirit know exactly what I mean.  I had that happen after I lost my dad too.  I'd see old men about his age and tear up. 

I haven't written in here in a while.  I get these bursts of thought that need to go somewhere and so I just start writing.  Today I've been thinking about the beginning through the end.  My story.  All of it.  How I traveled the world with my parents in the Army and how I went to college and worked.  Met my husband and had three adorable children.  Sometimes you can look through your life like a movie.  Reflection will happen when you look through pictures or videos of the past.  Looking to the future is harder after loss.  Everything seems more fragile.  You are so aware of the fact that nothing is guaranteed.  Every holiday is more special, every family dinner becomes so precious.  Spending time together is sweeter and valued more.  Virginia Woolf said it in her writings.  Someone always had to die in her books, it helped others value life more.  Oddly enough she committed suicide because of a mental condition she had.  Nowadays they think it might have been bipolar disorder.  she had no hope for the future.

I don't have no hope for the future.  It's exactly the opposite really.  The future is the only hope.  I look at my grandsons and their sweet faces and then my wrinkling hands, and wonder how that happened so fast.  My skin is turning into tissue paper and it fascinates me.  I don't mind growing old.  It's a privilege.  My daughter will never grow old.  I won't get to see her stress over wrinkles or hold her hands and watch her cope with aging.  I won't get to see the wisdom in her eyes as she survives teenage children or life's uncertainties.  Those are some of the things I was looking forward to.

We adjust.  We refocus.  Edit.  This is what there is now.  We can either accept it or be constantly reaching back for what we can't have.  Still the future holds so much promise.  Those faces of my grandsons are so important to my mental health.  Their smiles and laughter give me so much joy it's hard to describe.  A hug from Killian with his head on my shoulder fills my eyes with tears.  It renews my soul.  Watching Dean hold up his hands when he can't find something is so funny it fills me with giggles.  Jaxx lights up and smiles whenever I tickle him and he giggles all the time now.  He's so happy and I find myself saying to Taryn, "Honey you'd love this, all of it.  Playing with your brother's boys would fill you with pride and so much happiness."

It does that for me.