She would have been about 17 here. We didn't know about her tumors then. That was a happy time. I was happy, we were moving closer to my family and that was important to me. I wanted my parents to know my kids. The only bad part was leaving Garrison in California. If he had been coming with us our joy would have been complete. Garrison took these pictures that night. He was on the other side of the table with Misty. These are two of my favorite pictures of me and Taryn. There weren't too many because I don't like to have my picture taken. I don't know why. Maybe Taryn was a lot like me that way. She didn't like other people to take her picture but she took beautiful ones of herself.
I set up several photographers at different times who wanted her to model for them and she would get so sick to her stomach right before the shoot that she would cancel. She got physically sick thinking about doing it. That's when I realized it took more than beauty for a girl to model. You have to have a certain kind of personality to be able to actually do that. Beauty isn't enough. It also takes more than a good voice to be rock star. You need that larger than life personality to go with it. Talent is essential but it's not enough. Interesting isn't it?
All of us who live average normal lives think it's so easy to do stuff like that because it looks fun and easy. It's not. It's horrible for some people who are terribly shy like she was. If she hadn't been like that she could have had a pretty awesome career in modeling I think. She had so many different "looks" and could change her hair and completely re do herself. She was constantly re inventing herself.
As she got older and more confident she would be less concerned about what anyone else thought. She was still shy but she was bold in a way that made her have inner strength. People with inner strength can still be very private and she was. Very few people knew her completely. Adrian was one who did. Nikki Aguilar, her best friend did too. Nikki probably knew her better than anyone else, even me. They were little girls together in grade school and stayed "besties" all the way until the end. Nikki was with me the last time we saw her alive.
I learned a lot about Taryn from Nikki. There are things that are personal to Nikki that I doubt she'll ever share with anyone that are just between her and Taryn forever. They watched Greys Anatomy together and Nikki was Taryn's "person". That special someone who you would do anything for and ask no questions. If I had to choose a "person" it would have been Taryn. I know how Nikki feels because we both lost our "person". I have been so lonely since Taryn died. I told her everything. Even the bad stuff. The stuff you don't know if you should say out loud? That stuff. She took it all and didn't judge me for it. Well not much anyway. I think mothers and daughters can be hard on each other at times. At the end of the day there is a strong bond there that is unbreakable. She used to tell Nikki that SHE could rag on me but no one else could. Funny right? I had that with her. We didn't always agree on things but we agreed to disagree.
She was my dearest friend. I trusted her with my thoughts and my fears. I have a wonderful support system in my life with friends who love me but Taryn was something more than a friend. She came from me. She was the "best" of me and living without that is very hard. I'm grateful for my memory clips that play in my mind on repeat constantly. Clips of her laugh. Her anger and her passion for life. I loved it all. She is the one person who could ground me. Daughters have a way of giving to their moms like no other person on earth. I can honestly say she was a blessing in my life from the moment she was born. On days when I start feeling sorry for myself that she's gone I remind myself I'm so lucky to have had her at all.
Just so you know her favorite thing on the Chilis menu was the chicken alfredo. Alfredo anything really, but she'd order that and fries with ranch dressing. I open the menu now and stare at that choice. I sometimes order the fries with ranch dressing even when I'm not that hungry. It's funny how we do that isn't it? Order food for them. Sometimes I'll buy treats at the grocery store that were her favorites or order her coffee from Starbucks, and I don't drink coffee. Venti caramel macchiato frappuccino. Even typing that fills my eyes with tears. I bought that for her so many times. The things she loved flood my mind sometimes. In a good way. I don't want that to end. I want it to be like the ocean waves and wash over me so I'll never forget. How could I?
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