Sadday

I'm so grateful for all the amazing pictures Taryn took of herself with her phone.  I don't have a lot of video of her.  I realized after she was gone that I stopped taking video of the kids when they got older. I regret that so much now.  I've taken more of Christian and Garrison as a result.  These pictures though, are so dear to me.  They show her beauty and spirit.  I have pictures of all her expressions even the funny ones where she's upset or angry.  Even those looks are priceless to me now.  Sundays are the most difficult days of the week for me.  

When a wind up toy stops you notice it goes quiet then you wind it back up.  This is the day I stop.  I've started calling it Sadday instead of Sunday.  I do pretty good all week then things get quiet and stop on this day and all the things I feel flood my heart. I miss her with a fierceness that stings my nose and fills my eyes with tears.  The deep breaths that fill my lungs with life don't seem like enough to get the job done.  

I sometimes watch the sun come up on days like this and to me it's almost sad that another day is coming. They just keep coming, unaware that they take us farther and farther away from the past.  Those first few days after she was gone felt odd.  Like when you pile in a car to go somewhere and know you have to go but you don't want to?  That's how it felt.  I was surrounded by people.  All their faces concerned and worried.  There was food from the church and people who loved us.  We didn't have to think about how to make meals and that was a blessing because just breathing was hard enough. 

I wanted to go back to the hospital.  Back to her room and argue better for a different outcome.  I didn't want to lose the case.  I wanted to present my argument to God and plead with the jury to rule in my favor.  I didn't give a closing argument that was good enough.  That's how I felt.  I lost the case.  With so much compelling evidence, I couldn't understand the verdict.  I never will.  How could heaven have needed her more?  And Kayan too?  My first little grand child.  A baby of my baby's.  That wasn't supposed to happen.  None of it was as it should have been.  I had a right to my dreams didn't I?

A few months ago Adrian was on the phone with me and said the words my soul in anguish cries out constantly.  "What did I ever do in my life to deserve this?  Why is this happening to me??!!"  It hurt even more somehow to hear the words come from him.  I wanted to make it stop.  More than anything I wanted to protect him from those torturous thoughts.  I wanted to give him his family back and end the pain he felt.  But there you have it.  

Sadday.  It's so beautiful outside, the sun is up and the shadows from the trees are gently swaying in the breeze.  All I want is to feel her fingers around mine.  Smell her hair when I hug her and hear her voice.  

Okay Mick Jagger. I guess it's really true.  We can't always get what we want.