Pain

At what age do you stop crying out when you stub your toe or when you feel pain that would have made you howl as a child?  Go running to your mom to kiss it better or tell someone so you have a witness to your bravery.  Have you ever wondered when all that shifts and changes in your life?

Today I was driving to the store and Ruger, my English Bulldog, was balancing on the console between the two front seats and I didn't want him to go flying if I had to stop suddenly so I patted the passenger seat to encourage him to get up front and he did.  Suddenly on my hand.  With all his 63 pounds his back toe nails dug into my hand and for a split second I couldn't breathe and could hardly focus my eyes it hurt so bad.  I was sure I was going to need stitches but it didn't even break the skin.  You know those moments when you are tempted to swear or scream or cry or something but you're the only one who would hear it so what's the point?  I had one of those moments.  It's a very unsatisfying feeling.  No sympathy what so ever.  Ruger happily looked out the window oblivious to what I had just silently endured .  I wasn't going to get any sympathy from him.

When you hurt yourself pain eventually goes away.  I have to admit sometimes I don't even remember what happened.  Days later when a colorful bruise appears it confuses me as to how it got there.  Pain is like that.  It is so intense in it's delivery and sometimes it hurts so much you know it's going to be the end of you. But you don't die.  You feel it and if you don't fight with it eventually it does get bearable.  You're impressed with yourself for enduring it without screaming especially if you're by yourself.  Physical pain is tough enough but emotional and spiritual pain is even more difficult I think.  I still have my days when the loss of Taryn bulldozes over me and wipes me out for a few hours.  Then after allowing the pain to wash over me I take deep breaths and think, "Well no one was here but that felt good to just let that happen."  It builds up if you don't let go of it a little at a time.  I don't want to live without Taryn.  I don't want details to take me farther and farther away from what really matters but what choice do I have?  If I was the one who died I wouldn't want her to cry too much.  I'd want her to be as happy as she could be and know that I loved her no matter where I was in the universe and I'd never leave her.  So I know she loves me.  She'll never leave me. 

Pain hurts but I treat it differently.  It can't make me cry or even react anymore.  I wonder sometimes if that's what everyone does when they grow up and realize it's only pain, and you can do whatever you want with it.  Oh but I miss the days of innocence and having someone kiss it better.  I do miss that.