I recently met a beautiful sweet mother who lost her daughter and her grandson to pre eclampsia, just like I did. She's really suffering and she doesn’t understand why it happened and is stuck there with that three letter question. Why? The part that really hurts is that there is no why. There is no reason. None that I’ve found anyway. Did Taryn deserve to die? NO. Did she deserve a life of happiness and progression? Certainly. Did she deserve it more than those who squander their opportunities, of course she did. But God’s thoughts are not our thoughts. His plans for us are something that doesn’t make sense until we know the whole story and we don’t have that script. We don’t. We can’t question things and ruin our lives with the questions. We can’t weigh and measure opportunity in others like it’s some kind of competition. What happens to us in life happens to us random and as scary as that is it’s the truth. I’ve done my best to be a good person. To help others. To raise my kids to be kind loving people. I see how some people struggle with being good to others. I see it every single day. I am thankful for my problems because I can understand them and manage them.
Death really trips up most people. They think of it as a punishment, something they did wrong somehow. It’s not. It’s not about them. When I stopped thinking that I began to feel the peace I needed. There’s not one thing I can do to change what happened to me and what happened to all of us when Taryn died. I couldn’t get the time back that she was with us. All I could do was learn. Take this thing that happened to us and get what I could from it.
Taryn wasn't a perfect person. She would be the first one to admit that. I was her mama and to me she was perfect with all her flaws. There's something about that isn't there? How a mother can see her children from all sides. She sees the best in them and the worst in them and loves them unconditionally. She did that for me too. I wasn't the perfect mother and made my share of mistakes but she had my back my whole life. Losing her made me feel exposed and vulnerable. I've found others in my life to support me but there was no one like her to defend me even when she thought I was wrong. She used to joke about it. SHE could criticize me but no one else could. hahaha
The only tears I cry now are tears of sadness for myself. The future I can't have that I desperately wanted. I know Taryn and Kayan are okay. I believe in a life after this one. I've read so many near death experiences and they all have one thing in common. That this life we get to have after our earth life is done is full of light and love. It's so beautiful that if we knew about it now we wouldn't want to even finish our life here on earth. I read that and smiled to myself. I miss the life I would have had with my daughter and my grandson but this life can be happy too. I started small. I thought of one happy thing a day and built on that. It is possible to find joy after this kind of loss. It's important to be good to yourself. Take an art class. Tackle your bucket list and start having those experiences that change your sad thoughts to happy ones.
I realized soon after she died that the only thing that hurt her now was me. My pain hurt her and that's when I stopped. I vowed to her to make this life, what I have left of it, as happy as possible so that I could honor her and not cause her any pain because of mine. I still cry. Don't get me wrong. When those moments come, and they do, when I need her, when I need to tell her something or get her opinion on something and she's not there to talk to me. That's when it hits me again. When I experience that I write to her. I open the journal I keep for her and tell her what's in my heart. It helps. I even hear her talk to me at those moments. I know what she would have said and sometimes I even giggle at her responses. The thoughts that come into my head are real. Sometimes it's only "Don't worry mama, it's going to be okay." Those words are so powerful and comforting.
I won't ruin what is left of my life feeling sorry that I didn't get more. It's the only choice there is really. I choose happiness and joy. There's a lot of it. There's a lot of beauty and good times to be had. She's always in my mind, my heart and my life. She will be forever.
